The shittiness of it all
A friend wrote to me several weeks ago, and asked my opinion on what it's like to move to a foreign country, and implied that if he were a young, wide-eyed 20 year old, it would be a thrilling experience, but at 25, would he be simply be fooling himself by going through such an experience. At first I thought it was such an odd thing to say, but as I thought about it more, I started to wonder if I'd feel very different if I had come to Tokyo at 20. Perhaps I would be more open to this journey.
At 20, I would most likely still be a student, free from adult responsibilities. At 25, I'm counting every penny I'm spending, feeling the pinch with every dollar (yen) I'm taking out of my purse, silently berating myself for spending money that I don't have. And of course, at 25, you're expected to figure it all out. But how the hell does insurance work in Japan? Taxes? What's normal, what's acceptable? What's not? Why is everything so fucking complicated? No. fucking. clue. No fucking idea what I'm doing.
Since being here last May, I've had a number of highs, and way, way more lows.
For the first 8 months I was here, every good day I feel like I had, I had 9 bad days. Not necessarily because of work demands, but because of the sheer lack of support in my life. And if I'm entirely honest, also because of my inability to ask for help when I needed it. However, I've been able to put up a fairly believable front of having my shit together during work days. On Saturdays, wewear pink lock ourselves at home, far from any soul, because that's when shit unravels and we go into a state of absolutely shit - because saying I'm depressed is probably an insult to people who are actually, truly, constantly depressed.
Sundays, I generally feel better, because we gotta go to work on Monday, and it's time to pick ourselves up in time for maximum productivity.
One of my all-time favorite ads is this Oppein TVC we produced music for about a month ago, for International Day of Families.
It's a rat race, really. And honestly, a race devoid of emotions.
Yet I tear up every time I watch this, because it's so relatable. And because who am I kidding, there are plenty of emotions, just quite hidden from plain sight.
I have a co-worker, an extremely precious Taiwanese kid a few years younger than me. Some days I forget that he has family here, and I'd ask him if he would like to join me for dinner. With this sorry look in his eyes, he would always say no, because his mom had already prepared dinner for the family. I playfully joke that he's so lucky to get to have dinner with his family. But even a deaf man could feel sadness and loneliness beneath that bullshit.
However, I learned that courage isn't required in just one moment. Not just the moment I decided to come here. I needed courage in almost every fucking moment. I learned I had to take it one moment at a time. One day at a time, I used to tell myself. Just get through this day, and then go to bed, wake up, and we'll get to start over. Tomorrow will be a new beginning.
There are, of course, upsides to this challenging journey. Now, when I see someone's moving across their country, and say what a huge challenge it is, I scoff a little (because to be honest, I'm a really judgmental and jaded ass sometimes, and) because, I think, after my experience, moving across a country would be a piece of cake. So in sort of a twisted way, I feel I'm being trained to handle any shit that comes my way. Nothing would be impossible, because of this journey.
I've been sitting here at Tsutaya for the past 3 hours knocking this out. And it's time for me to leave before I get kicked out, so thank you for reading this entire post.
If you take away anything from this post, let it NOT be hopelessness or negativity, but the realization that people who seem to have it all figured out actually, really don't. And you're not doing as bad as you think. You're getting through each challenge with courage.
You're doing alright. :)
Love,
Coraliss / Tortoise.
At 20, I would most likely still be a student, free from adult responsibilities. At 25, I'm counting every penny I'm spending, feeling the pinch with every dollar (yen) I'm taking out of my purse, silently berating myself for spending money that I don't have. And of course, at 25, you're expected to figure it all out. But how the hell does insurance work in Japan? Taxes? What's normal, what's acceptable? What's not? Why is everything so fucking complicated? No. fucking. clue. No fucking idea what I'm doing.
Since being here last May, I've had a number of highs, and way, way more lows.
For the first 8 months I was here, every good day I feel like I had, I had 9 bad days. Not necessarily because of work demands, but because of the sheer lack of support in my life. And if I'm entirely honest, also because of my inability to ask for help when I needed it. However, I've been able to put up a fairly believable front of having my shit together during work days. On Saturdays, we
Sundays, I generally feel better, because we gotta go to work on Monday, and it's time to pick ourselves up in time for maximum productivity.
One of my all-time favorite ads is this Oppein TVC we produced music for about a month ago, for International Day of Families.
“不管遇到什么客户都要收起脾气，最好不要有情绪。”
“I have to pack up my temper no matter who I am facing, better have no emotions."
"我要速度越来越快，效率越来越高。"
"I need to be faster and faster, more and more efficient."
It's a rat race, really. And honestly, a race devoid of emotions.
Yet I tear up every time I watch this, because it's so relatable. And because who am I kidding, there are plenty of emotions, just quite hidden from plain sight.
I have a co-worker, an extremely precious Taiwanese kid a few years younger than me. Some days I forget that he has family here, and I'd ask him if he would like to join me for dinner. With this sorry look in his eyes, he would always say no, because his mom had already prepared dinner for the family. I playfully joke that he's so lucky to get to have dinner with his family. But even a deaf man could feel sadness and loneliness beneath that bullshit.
However, I learned that courage isn't required in just one moment. Not just the moment I decided to come here. I needed courage in almost every fucking moment. I learned I had to take it one moment at a time. One day at a time, I used to tell myself. Just get through this day, and then go to bed, wake up, and we'll get to start over. Tomorrow will be a new beginning.
There are, of course, upsides to this challenging journey. Now, when I see someone's moving across their country, and say what a huge challenge it is, I scoff a little (because to be honest, I'm a really judgmental and jaded ass sometimes, and) because, I think, after my experience, moving across a country would be a piece of cake. So in sort of a twisted way, I feel I'm being trained to handle any shit that comes my way. Nothing would be impossible, because of this journey.
I've been sitting here at Tsutaya for the past 3 hours knocking this out. And it's time for me to leave before I get kicked out, so thank you for reading this entire post.
If you take away anything from this post, let it NOT be hopelessness or negativity, but the realization that people who seem to have it all figured out actually, really don't. And you're not doing as bad as you think. You're getting through each challenge with courage.
You're doing alright. :)
Love,
Coraliss / Tortoise.
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