New York

I might've said this before, but I'll say it again. These are only my opinions, thoughts I gathered from what I've seen. The thoughts I have today may change tomorrow. I'm not the same person I was yesterday. So there. 

.

I'm on the bus, returning home from NY.

Not sure if it's a girl thing, but I'm constantly thinking about things whenever I'm alone, or when I'm simply not talking or listening to others. 

Here I am, thinking about how crazy the past week has been. How my world shattered into pieces within 2 days, with barely any warning. And how, 5 days later, I'm still grieving. Alone. Yet.. I'm happier than most of my peers. Broken, but thankful.

I can't help but wonder.. Why is it that the older I grow, the harder it is to come across happy people, or rather, people who're thankful, people who don't feel entitled? 

Is this what age does to most people? It turns people cynical, angry, hurt, unforgiving, unhappy? 

If I'm not like that, does that mean I haven't been through enough shit in life? Does that mean the challenges I've had to face are not as tough as the ones everyone else faces?

I was in a cynical phase once. To be very honest, part of the reason I turned cynical is because the people I considered "cool" were, or still are, cynical. Being cynical meant you're cool. Because you understand how the world works, what people are really like. You're realistic. And you know shit. 

As I thought about the people around me, I realized that my parents are possibly the happiest people in my life, despite their age. Their lives are by no means easier than their peers'. Yet, they're these happy, positive people who are always able to face all sorts of challenges with this calmness and confidence. 

And if they're able to do that, why can't other people do it too? Why are 22 year-olds who don't have to pay for their school fees or their families' expenses complaining about how tough their lives are? I'm in no way belittling the challenges 22 year-olds have to face. Heck, I'm 22. I know. 

But if the two people who mean the world to me can stay strong, thankful and positive after losing a family member, I guess I can too. 

I spend a lot of time observing people, listening to and learning about them. I've seen so many people who have this facade, because they've been through a lot of hurt and pain. They think that they can protect themselves by shutting people out. They think that's what being strong is.. relying on no one but yourself. 

I've been there before. I probably still go back once in a while, but what I've learned since then is this - true strength is being okay with feeling weak. True strength is accepting that it's okay to feel sad, broken, angry, etc. And then comes the important part - true strength is being able to bounce back from all that shit you go through. 

It's about being happy and spreading joy to others, even if you've just had the most painful experience. It's about staying positive and hopeful.

And if that makes me lame, unlike the cool, cynical, unforgiving people.. I'm more than happy to be that lame idiot.