3 weeks

3 weeks later I still have these pieces, these fragments of all that happened. The things I saw.


A week before, mum texted me and told me that you were sick. We went out later that night, I had a few drinks and I started crying. Here I am, in a foreign place surrounded by so many people who don't know me, who don't care about me. The people I love the most are so far away. You're one of them. You must've been really sick. Else she wouldn't tell me about it. That night I was really homesick.

A week later, I'm sitting in my room, looking up the earliest flights back to Penang. My parents know how long the flights are, they were worried about me. I knew I had to go back. "But what if she gets better? You can't be coming home every time somebody falls sick." As much as I hated to admit it.. I guess I can't. I knew I had to this time. No question about it. Something people say about a gut feeling? That's what I had. Turned out to be the best decision I've made in my life.

Booked a flight Thursday noon for Friday at 6am. The flight felt longer than usual. It was just 24 hours, I guess the shortest one possible. I was afraid. Afraid and tired. He drove me straight to you when I touched down.

It's probably about a year ago when I saw how dry your skin was.. It was peeling. I almost cried in front of you. That hurt bad.

And here you are, just lying there. So different from the usual you. Your eyes were closed. Every breath you took seemed to take a lot of effort. They pulled the sheets back to reveal your arms and feet. Parts of you were purple. This can't be good. Shit. This must be quite bad. "Say something to her. Say something nice." I.. can't mom. I walked to the bathroom, wiped the tears. I'm going to put up a brave face, and I'm going to say something nice, to her. I tried again. I looked at this woman, someone I barely recognize. She looks nothing like my grandma. "Say something nice to her, go on." Mom was very strong, she did the best she could. I just couldn't say it. FOR GOODNESS' SAKE MOM! SHE'S FREAKING PURPLE! SHE'S IN PAIN! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF NICE THING IS THERE FOR ME TO SAY!?

I went back to the bathroom. I really need to pull it together this time. Let's do this.

I tried to sound as happy as I could. "Hey grandma, look who's here! It's ME! Look at me! I flew ALL the way here, just to see you! Look!" I was smiling. I sounded so happy I almost fooled myself.

You shed a tear. I didn't know at the time, I thought this happened with everyone else who came to see you. I wish I'd known. I probably would've cried uncontrollably then.


Mom, please give me a private moment with her.

I turned back to you.

"Hey grandma. I know you can't see me now but I'm just gonna tell you things okay? I.. am doing well. I'm doing great in school. Everyone's very nice to me. I have friends who care about me. I have lecturers who are kind to me. I'm just very lucky."

"I kinda like this boy, grandma. If you open your eyes I'll show you a picture of him. He's smart, nice and good-looking. You'll probably like him, grandma. Come on, open your eyes grandma. I'll show you his picture if you do."

"Grandma, do you remember the time you promised me you'd come to my wedding? I know I'm nowhere near that yet, but I want you to come to my wedding. Oh, you know what? I'll put you in the first table. The very first one! Not even mum and dad get to sit there! That's only for you! And then when I have my first child, you'll hold the baby in your arms. It will be beautiful."

There will be so much love. My child will love her like I love her. She will love my child like she loves me.

/

That night I slept at 1am. I was exhausted from 1 week in Austin, 1 week of catching up with work, 24 hours of flying, jetlag, fear, sadness, anger. I shared the bed with mom. I woke up at 5am from that nap.  I pulled up a chair, put on the gloves, and started to massage your feet. Your.. purple feet. 30 minutes later I was starting to get impatient. Why are your feet still purple? There should be some blood circulation in here. Why. are. they. still. purple.

I decided to move on to your fingers. I was facing the window now.

I wrapped my hand around yours. Can you feel my love through this simple gesture, grandma?

I tried massaging your purple fingers.

Is this going to be pointless? What can a simple massage do? It probably won't save you from all this.



I plugged my earphones into my phone and put "Somewhere Only We Know" on repeat. I cried and cried. Silently, of course. "I'm getting tired and I need someone to rely on." I'm so tired. So, so tired. From the past few months.

"I'm getting old and I need someone to rely on." I guess.. this is what being an adult feels like.

"I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin." Where do I begin? Where do I start.. to pick up the pieces, grandma?

"And if you have a minute why don't we go.. talk about it somewhere only we know, 'cause this could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?" Grandma, do you remember all the moments we shared in the past?


After what seemed like forever, the sun was finally starting to rise. The room was starting to get a little brighter. I'm still holding your hand. It's 7.20am now. I've been here for more than 2 hours. Sitting here, thinking, feeling, being with you.

/

I watched as you took one of your last breaths. I had no idea at the time. I had no idea what was coming. I was just relieved to see you breathing. I felt relieved every time you took a breath.

The next time I looked at you, you were already gone. I called you, I shook you. Just like they do in the movies. But calling you twice was enough to know that you weren't going to just open your eyes and say "Ha-ha, it's a prank!" A part of me wished that would happen.




Just like that.. you're gone forever.




But.. before leaving, did you know that I love you? I know we rarely ever said it to each other, but.. did you know? Could you tell from the little things I've done? Could you tell from the way I looked at you? Or the way I talked to you?


Where do people go after they die, grandma? Is heaven real? Are you in heaven, grandma? Wherever you are, grandma, can you see me now? Can you see how much I'm still hurting after 3 weeks? Can you see how much I miss you? I don't want you to be sad, but I hope you can see how much I'm hurting now, because.. in my silly mind, I hope that maybe now, you can see how much I love you.


Life will never be the same without you, grandma. I wish I had more time with you.

/

Years ago I made you promise to be at my wedding. That was my perfect plan - it would buy me some time. Some time with you. Just months ago I was in the shower when I recalled this conversation. I came up with a plan in the shower, grandma, with this silly brain of mine. I wouldn't get married till I was ready to let you go. I felt so smart.

But you broke your promise, grandma.

How could you, grandma? A promise is a promise. You don't just break it like that.

/

I'll never be able to truly say goodbye, grandma. I'll probably never be able to accept that you're really gone.

/

Please take care of my other grandmother, grandma. She just left three days ago. If you can, you should have some tea with her. Have some cookies maybe, and talk about your kids, or your grandkids. Talk about your husbands, or gossip about the busybodies who used to live next door haha.

If you can, please watch over my mother, grandma.

I know this is a lot to ask, but if you can, please give me some strength to get through all this, grandma. I thought I knew what it's like to feel really tired, when I sat next to you 3 weeks ago.

I had no idea. I had no idea at all.

//